About Grief and Loss

Although the death of a loved one is probably the ultimate loss, we do not just experience grief and loss when somebody dies.

Loss can actually take many, many forms - from a relationship break-up, being made redundant, selling your home to moving country. Because we don't always recognise such things as a 'loss' we can all too easily underestimate the impact they have on us. This can make the experience of loss even more difficult, as we don't accept or validate that what we are going through is part of our grieving process.

In addition, there are so many cultural, societal, religious and gender 'norms' that you have probably formed an expectation of how you're 'meant to feel' and how long you're 'meant to grieve'.

In reality, though, each person's grieving process is completely unique. Although much is now understood about the stages of grief and loss, it's also important to remember that just as we are all individuals, so too are our experiences of and responses to loss.

Back in the 1960's Elisabeth Kübler-Ross wrote a book, 'On Death and Dying', which introduced the now famous 'five stages of grief'. These stages form the most well-known and established framework for learning to live with loss. Please bear in mind that this is a framework only and we may neither go through each stage nor pass from one to another sequentially. We may flip and flop between each of them for days, weeks and months. But understanding them can be helpful to give context to what can seem like unusual and upsetting reactions.

Below, in brief, are these five stages (adapted from www.davidkessler.org by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & David Kessler)

Five Stages of Grief

Denial

This first stage - denial - helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless, overwhelming and life makes little sense to us. We are in a state of shock and denial. We feel numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. Getting through each day seems a major task.

Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. It's our in-built mechanism to ensure we only let in as much as we can handle at the time.

As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface. This can be a very distressing time.

Anger

Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Feeling anger can be scary at any time, and particularly during grief because it can be hard to understand. How can I feel angry when I have just lost someone/something? Anger can also give rise to guilt because we think we shouldn't feel angry.

Being willing to feel your anger is important, but it can also be difficult. It may feel like it is uncontrollable, undirected and may never end. Dealing with anger is when it can be particularly helpful to see a counsellor.

Bargaining

Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only your loved one would be spared or if only the loss wouldn't happen. During this stage we may become transfixed with questions such as 'If only...' and 'What if...?'

Guilt often goes hand in hand with bargaining, too. The 'if onlys' can haunt us and keep us locked in the past. Moving out of the past and into the present is when our grief becomes its most real.

Depression

Once we move into the present, feelings of emptiness and depression will ebb and flow. We may withdraw from life, have intense feelings of sadness and wonder how we'll cope with the loss. It's important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. When you suffer a great loss, it is understandable that you'll feel depressed. Experiencing such sadness is another necessary step in the healing process.

Acceptance

This stage is when we can accept that we have experienced a loss and that there is now a new and permanent reality. It's likely that there's a part of you that will always wish it wasn't this way, that you had never experienced the loss. But in this stage you accept that this is how it is, and you are able to get on with your life in a different way. You are able to readjust, make changes, establish new connections.

Getting Stuck

It's easy to get stuck at one of the stages before 'Acceptance'. It's easy to believe your grief will never end. It's easy to feel that your world has fallen apart and can never be mended. To help you move through your grief, sharing your experience with a professional can be beneficial.

Delayed Grief

Sometimes we are aware that we haven't even started to grieve. We have tried to protect ourselves from the pain of grief. But usually, somewhere within us, we know that we need to grieve so that we can move on with our lives. Getting professional help can make this process easier.

Dealing with grief and loss

Allowing yourself to grieve is critical to your healing process. I can help by guiding you gently through the loss you have experienced - whatever it is - so you can gradually rebuild your life.

I welcome you to contact me today to ask any questions or to book an appointment.